Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
