woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
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Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
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I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
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