My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
