i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
