hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
