I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
