so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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