mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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