So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
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I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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