dude i'm inner monologue high
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
