She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He did a backflip because drugs
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
