when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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