You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
