Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Found the puke drawer
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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