i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
