I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
