Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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