what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
