that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
