I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
