was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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