i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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