note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
