I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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