omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
