im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
