I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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