my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
