Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
