p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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