He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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