why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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