We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
