I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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