You can't motorboat a personality
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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