Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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