...so i touched it.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
