i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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