last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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