I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
