The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
