if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Randomize
