There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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