I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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