no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
