I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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