forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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