I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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