this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
