She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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