I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
