You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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