whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
