I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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