we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
you inspire me to be a worse person
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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