that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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