just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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